Process

When did life become so much about the process? If you lose someone there is a grieving process. When something happens to rattle your core physically or mentally there is a recovery process. When you buy a house there is the financial adjustment process.

Well I've decided to quit my job and now I've found a new process.

The first few days were euphoric, with only brief moments of "what have I done?" This was followed by days of encouragement unlike any other I have ever received. "You seem so happy." "The change in you has been instant." "I've never seen you so content."

Now I'm in the confusing stage where I feel crazier than I have ever felt. Maybe I've read too many books lately where the main characters are all battling depression, and it's rekindled some familiar traits within myself. Self-doubt, unworthiness, and simply, "Oh my God, I am crazy."

The ups and downs of anxiety and depression can make you question so much. Why is today a great day at work? How can I have a great day at work when I've decided that I can't do this job anymore? How crazy am I than I can find myself at a peak one moment and in a valley the next?

I have 4 weeks left and I can't help but wonder and fear the remaining steps in this process. At what point in the process will I be when it's over? Will regret find me? Or relief? Will I find the person I lost so long ago, and when I find her will she remember what she wanted to be when she grew up? Will she be disappointed in what she's become? Who knows? It's just all a part of the process.