Coincidence vs. Fate

I have a therapist who believes in fate. He believes there are no coincidences and that things happen because they are supposed to happen. I am baffled by this. Not by his beliefs, as I kind of think that way myself, but that he, as a therapist, believes it too.

Now I am in the part of the process where I have never felt more lost in my entire life. Fate has also added a few elements of it's own to my process, elements that I didn't see coming. Elements that I never expected would affect me the way that they have.

I think I may be in the throes of a mini mid-life crisis. I have never examined my life more than I have in 2008. It's liberating, it's exhilarating, and it's down right scary. I am twice the age I was when I thought I could rule the world. I desperately miss the 18 year old me. She was invincible, reasonably sure of herself, and so unaffected by the ways of the world. And when I say that, I mean that I miss me, not necessarily the outskirts of my life, just me. I wouldn't trade my girls for anything. I am proud of them and the work I have done as their mother. They don't know that Mama's crazy. They only see the Mama that reads endless chapters of Nim's Island at bedtime. The Mama that puts ointment on their chapped cheeks and buys them their favorite snacks for their lunchboxes. That's the way it should be, they don't need to know the fear and self-doubt that looms over me, that's mine to deal with.

Things may happen for a reason, but that doesn't mean that they make sense. But I'm writing in my journal and I am reminiscing about the old me. I am reading about her in old journals. Meticulously kept old journals that document my ascent into adulthood. I will find her again, and I will incorporate her into my life now. I will do this if it takes everything I have, and it just might.